


Love Like Thunder, Love Like Lightning

by Aviss



Series: Haven [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-22
Updated: 2010-03-22
Packaged: 2017-10-08 05:33:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/73215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviss/pseuds/Aviss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi's POV of Loke Like a Tempest, Love Like a Hurricane</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Like Thunder, Love Like Lightning

**Love Like Thunder, Love Like Lightning**

**1.**

The first time Kakashi sees Haven he's eight, and he already has more reasons to be there than most.

"One day you might need to enter that place," his sensei is telling him as they walk past the bar's door, his attention focused only on Kakashi, as it tends to be when they are alone. "Maybe you already do, but you are still too young."

Kakashi looks at the inconspicuous door and reads the name, his mouth twisting in a snarl recognizing it. There is nothing in this world which can make him go inside that place, and he tells his sensei in no uncertain terms, memories of overheard conversations swirling in his head.

_"They saw the White Fang going into that place."_

_"So it's true then, he's broken."_

_"Did you doubt it, after what he did--"_

_"The White Fang in Haven, how the mighty have fallen."_

"I will never go there, I will never break," he vows, his childish voice wavering slightly with the force of his conviction. Breaking would make him more like his father, and he's already taking enough steps to prevent comparisons with him.

"Kakashi," his sensei stops him, crouching low so they are at the same height, seeing eye to eye. "This is not a bad place. You are too young to understand it now, but not only broken shinobi go there."

Kakashi's brow furrows, considering. "Do you go there, Sensei?" he asks, the words coming out more harshly than he intends.

"Sometimes," his sensei admits, not the least ashamed by the fact.

Kakashi doesn't know what to think of it: his sensei can do nothing wrong, nothing which will bring shame to him or to the village. If his sensei can admit to go there, then it might not be--but no, only weak people go there, that's what everyone says.

"You'll understand one day, Kakashi," his sensei continues calmly, the way he does when he's teaching something very difficult. "If everyone is broken, nobody will get fixed; it's not that kind of place. Sometimes, people who care go there and try to help their friends and comrades find their balance again. Sometimes they break as well and they need someone to put them back together."

Kakashi listens and looks for what it's underneath those words. He can't see it, not yet.

He nods anyway.

"I don't get it, Sensei," he admits, not ashamed at all by his ignorance. His sensei said he would understand one day and Kakashi knows he will. "Not yet."

"I know."

Sensei stands up and ruffles his hair lightly. "Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving."

Kakashi nods, his thoughtful expression melting into a smile concealed beneath his mask.

…

**2.**

The first time Kakashi enters Haven he's fifteen, and the place is filled to burst with mourning shinobi.

That morning's massive funeral congregated almost every shinobi and civilian in the village, all off them crying for their loved ones and the lost chances at happiness. Kakashi is no different: he's lost everything he had in just one terrible, bloody night. He's never felt like crying so much as that morning, seeing the names of everyone he loves being carved into the stone, joining the one already there.

He didn't cry, though; there were more than enough tears soaking the ground, his would go unnoticed. What he did was wait until every single person left the monument and then touch his fingers to the names carved on the rock, imprinting the feeling of the rock's sharp edges into his soul. The touch made it real, confirming the existence of that black gaping hole inside him.

And now he's here, in the place he swore he'd never enter, looking around for someone who is whole enough to keep him together.

_There is no one. _

He finally understands.

Around him the entire town is broken; fragile, glass-like people scraping against each other, all sharp corners and blunt indifference, wounding one another, unable to heal the bleeding wounds their friends also sustain, too concerned with their own.

In his mind his sensei's words repeat over and over again: _If everyone is broken, nobody will get fixed. _

Kakashi can't break. Not here, not now. He's too fragile inside.

He knows with uncanny certainty that if he were to break he would shatter completely, a thousand splinters of what made Hatake Kakashi strewn all over Konoha. Nobody would be able to put him back together, nobody knows how anymore.

He wonders if there is anyone left who cares enough to try.

It doesn't matter, he won't allow himself to break; he'll bend and he'll chip, but never break.

He's not in Haven for that, he can see that now.

His eyes scan the sorrowful crowd drinking away their miseries and desperation; Kakashi recognizes some of them, he even likes a few, and he can see the same determination he's feeling reflected back in the eyes of a couple of them.

He almost sighs relieved.

It's a daunting chore to put back together a whole town, but it will be fine; he's not alone in that.

…

**3\. **

The first time Kakashi feels the need to heal someone with his body he's seventeen, and he's looking at a boy.

In the two years he's been going to Haven Kakashi has never once used the rooms upstairs, he has never felt the need to. He's one of the regulars in Haven, one of the _fixers_, as he thinks of them in his mind. Haven is the place where people go to heal the wounds which can't be treated in the hospital, and like the hospital, it needs people who know how to treat those wounds. He's no innocent, he knows the kind of solace some of the people look for, and he also knows some of the regulars provide it.

Kakashi doesn't, he's given his life and his soul to Konoha and will serve it at the cost of both. His body is his alone.

This boy, however, he would take upstairs without a second thought, and that fact scares Kakashi as much as it excites him.

The boy is young, far too young to be in Haven looking for that. He's staring at his hands with horrified fascination, the expression so open in his face Kakashi can read him like a book. The first kill is always the worst one, Kakashi knows this perfectly well. He was still a child when he took his first life, and he's taken so many since then no amount of scrubbing would ever make his hands clean again.

He hopes things can be different for this boy.

"You're new here," Kakashi hears himself saying when the boy looks at him, studying him with a curious expression.

It's easy to see the boy is upset. It's also clear he's not used to drinking, his eyes slightly unfocused on Kakashi's face. The boy nods and signals the waiter for more alcohol, obviously not in the mood for conversation. He turns to look at his hands again, the play of emotions in his face so obvious Kakashi is surprised to notice he's a chuunin.

He moves to sit next to him.

"They're clean," Kakashi says staring straight ahead.

He knows sometimes people are not aware they need help to be put together, and someone as young as this boy is probably one of them. He doesn't want him to balk and refuse his assistance; somehow Kakashi knows it's important that the boy trusts him.

"Are they?" he whispers, almost a soundless breath.

Kakashi takes that as his permission to comfort him. "Yes, they are," he says, taking the boy's shaking hands between his and squeezing lightly.

The boy looks up startled at the contact, his eyes widening in alarm, and Kakashi can see the fight taking place inside the boy's mind. Maybe he rushed too much in this, but he's loath to let go of the warm hands, the boy's face scrutinizing Kakashi's now.

He finally relaxes, his hands still held in Kakashi's grip. They look at each other for what feels like an eternity and Kakashi knows he has to say something or the tenuous and fragile bond he has formed with the boy will dissolve into nothingness. He can't allow that, not when he's looking at someone who irradiates innocence like Kakashi believes he has never possessed.

"It gets easier," he says, and the words are wrong, their meaning is wrong. He doesn't want to be telling this boy is fine to kill, is fine to have hands as stained as Kakashi's. But he can't take his words back, he can only plunge forward and hope for the best. "You might not believe it now, but it gets easier when it's your life or theirs, your loved ones or them."

The boy nods a little, his face dropping at Kakashi's words. He's screwed up, the boy is not comforted in the slightest by Kakashi's words; his posture is, if possible, stiffer than before.

"And if it doesn't?" he asks after a few more seconds of tense silence looking intently at Kakashi.

It's easy to tell there is much hanging in the answer to that question; Kakashi can read the signs in the boy's body language, in the way his voice is pitched just so Kakashi is the only one hearing it. The boy doesn't like killing, doesn't want it to be easier.

It's funny how in the middle of a Hidden Village, in the worst possible place for it, Kakashi has unknowingly stumbled into someone so innocent, someone clinging so hard to his humanity. Some shinobi might find that a weakness, Kakashi is not one of them.

"Then that would mean you're a better person than I am," he says sincerely and he knows it's the right thing to say.

They stay in silence for a while longer, one of the boy's hands still between Kakashi's, as if the he also doesn't want to break the contact, the other grabbing his glass and downing it in one gulp.

When the boy finally stands up to leave, Kakashi misses the warmth of his hand immediately.

…

**4.**

The first time Kakashi makes love to Iruka he's twenty, and he has just learned his name.

_Iruka, Iruka is wounded!_

Kakashi can still taste the fear and panic in the back of his throat when he saw exactly who Iruka was. For a heart wrenching moment Kakashi wondered if he was too late to do anything, and the weight which settled in his chest threatened to paralyze him until he noticed the slight rise and fall of Iruka's breathing body and the way his eyes were staring, unfocused but still alive. Iruka closed his eyes, and it felt almost like he was giving up on life, and that spurred Kakashi into movement.

He remembers how he knelt down, calling Iruka's name, asking him to hold on, to cling to life while he pushed life from his hands into Iruka's body. He had feared it might not be enough. It was, luckily it was.

It's ridiculous, actually. Kakashi has been thinking about Iruka for three years already, remembering that first encounter with the innocent boy and unconsciously searching for him every time he was in Konoha. And he has been itching to ask for his name since the first time they went upstairs, comforting him the best way he could with touches and caresses. But he's abided Haven's unspoken rule to never ask questions.

And now he has a name and the body under his, so close after almost losing him, and he can't deny the obvious anymore. It's not about comfort; it probably never was between them.

He's careful with Iruka's body, mindful of the tender skin still healing in his abdomen, of the way his body arches up as Kakashi slowly enters him, feeling the heat and the passion. He showers Iruka's face with kisses in the darkness, wishing he could see how Iruka looks like with his face flushed in passion. He would need to reveal his face for that, and he's not ready. Not yet.

Iruka clings to him tightly, gasping softly against his skin, urging him deeper. Kakashi can feel the wetness on Iruka's face and kisses the tears away, moving slowly inside of him to make him forget his pain. If the only thing he can give him now is pleasure, then Kakashi will do his best to leave him gasping and moaning, all memories of pain and loss as far from his mind as possible.

He moves slowly at first, feeling the pressure and the warmth that is Iruka enveloping him, the pleasure almost too much to bear. He kisses his face, drying his tears with his lips while his hands roam the soft body under his. This is what he has been missing, what he's wanted since that first time we were together.

For the first time since he entered Haven, Kakashi is the one feeling comforted. He doesn't want to think what might have happened if he wasn't close by, and it's that same fear what drives him to move faster, to plunge into Iruka deeper. He needs to make sure Iruka is alive, and there, with him.

"Please," Iruka moans softly against his lips, and Kakashi deepens the kiss, his hand curling around Iruka's erection and stroking him in time with his thrusts.

It doesn't take long for both of them to reach their climax, Kakashi shuddering and moaning Iruka's name.

In the darkness, he clings to Iruka's body, feeling him relax and fall sleep, and he lets his warmth and the steady beat of his heart lull him to sleep.

**5.**

The first time Kakashi hates Iruka he's twenty-two, and he still hasn't been asked.

He's been waiting patiently for months for Iruka to do something, to ask the question which will tell Kakashi they're really in a relationship. The way things are now, with Iruka calling him just _ANBU-san_ and Kakashi unable to show his face, it feels too one sided for his taste.

Kakashi has no doubts about his feelings for Iruka. He has been certain since the first time he saw him, when he was still a boy and the only thing they did was hold hands.

They've been dancing this dance for five years, sharing their bodies for the past three and it's getting fucking old.

It's taking more and more for Kakashi to convince himself they're more than occasional fuck buddies. It's not that difficult, Kakashi guesses, to ask him his name. He knows Iruka wants to see him, wants to be able to call his name as well. What he can't understand is why, of all the times to respect the rules, Iruka has chosen this one.

But he has not been asked, and he's been wondering for the past weeks if it's because Iruka really doesn't care.

He knows, the moment he enters Haven after a month away on a mission, that something has changed. Iruka is there, and there is a gleam in his eyes when he spots Kakashi that speaks of mischief and amusement. He nods to Kakashi in the distance, tossing back his drink and signalling the waiter for their key.

Kakashi follows him to their room, anticipation making his step lighter.

"Do I get to see your face now, Hatake-san?" Iruka asks the moment the door is closed and Kakashi can't help the smile that spreads on his face.

"You found out," he says, barely restraining himself to add _finally._

But the important part is that Iruka knows, he never asked Kakashi himself, but he knows.

"I did." Iruka approaches him and then stops, his hands stretched and almost touching Kakashi's face. He lets it drop then, staring at him intently.

Kakashi wonders if he had changed his mind, if now he knows he doesn't want to be there. But that's nonsense. It's not the way Iruka is, and he realizes he has to do it himself.

"Fuck it!" He pulls the mask down in a quick gesture, ignoring the slight tremor in his hand as he does it, relishing the way Iruka's eyes drink in the sight of his unmasked face. Iruka approaches him and kisses his lips, keeping his eyes open and fixed on Kakashi's the entire time. "Took you longer than I thought," he finally says breaking the kiss and taking a step back, enjoying the chance to see Iruka's flushed face and his aroused expression.

"You try to find out an ANBU's identity without ending up as Ibiki's guest and see how quick you can do it."

He can't help the laugh that bursts out of his lips. He should not have doubted Iruka; it wasn't lack of interest what kept him from asking, it was his own denseness and a weird need to do it himself. He should have guessed.

"You could have asked _me,_" he says leaning down to kiss him.

For the first time he is able to see Iruka's tanned skin, the way the blush spreads down his neck, the way his chest heaves while Kakashi licks and kisses every inch of uncovered skin. He can see the glazed look in Iruka's eyes, the way his mouth opens to let out strained moans when Kakashi takes him in his mouth. He can see everything in the light of the room, the curve or Iruka's arse and those powerful thighs, and the thatch of dark curls surrounding his lovely cock.

And Kakashi memorizes every single detail, every delightful little imperfection on Iruka's skin, every curve and plane and mole.

And Kakashi doesn't hate Iruka anymore.

…

**6.**

The first time Kakashi brings someone different than Iruka to their room he's twenty-five, and everything goes to hell.

It doesn't have a deeper meaning to be with Anko in that room, holding her shaking frame while she rants and raves, cursing at the unfairness of the world after the complete mindfuck her last mission turned out to be. He's just there, arms surrounding her deceptively lithe body, voice soothing and low and trying to find the right words which would glue the broken shards together again.

It's not easy in this case, not as easy as it usually is.

Anko is one of them, one of the _fixers_, and as such she has never allowed herself to break before.

Kakashi would find it funny it if wasn't so fucked up. The three regulars in Haven, Anko, Ibiki and himself are the three biggest screw ups in Konoha, maybe the entire Fire Country. It says something that the only people who truly care are the ones really broken inside.

That's the reason he's there, with Anko. He can't risk anyone else trying to put her back together, can't risk some half-assed comfort which would probably leave her worse off than she already is.

"Fucker," she hisses venomously, and Kakashi can hear the rage in her voice and hides a smile beneath his mask. She sounds much better, much like herself already. Half an hour ago there was only pain and self-loathing in her voice, anger is a vast improvement. "That fucking bastard, worst sensei in the world."

He lowers his mask for a second, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, and the slight shudder coursing her frame tells him she has felt it and understood the gesture.

"Could be worse, Anko-chan," he says to dispel the seriousness of the situation the only way he knows how, and she turns and looks at him with an arched eyebrow, daring him to finish that sentence. "It could have been _me._ Can you imagine me as a Sensei?"

"Jerk!" she chuckles, and the sound is the best fucking thing Kakashi has heard in the entire day. "You'd be worse than Jiraiya, the poor dears would end up being perverts."

"Something to look forward to, the next generation of pervert-nins."

She smirks, something of the old Anko shining through her expression. She's going to be fine. "You have a point there," she says wiggling closer to him in a suggestive manner, "but for a notorious pervert, I notice a definite lack of advantage-taking here." She laughs at his surprised expression, which she has little trouble reading even in the dim light and with his mask on. Her hands move to his hair, threading in the wild locks and pulling his head to hers before he can recover from the surprise.

Anko knows him maybe better than most people, and she knows his methods and what is, and isn't, on offer there. Kakashi is about to remind her when she laughs suddenly, her lips moving to the exposed bit of skin over his mask. That kiss is probably the most innocent she has given anyone since she was a genin.

"Thank you Kakashi," she says seriously, none of her previous amusement in her voice. "This is what I needed; I've been taken advantage of enough for this week. And I know of a chuunin who wouldn't appreciate it." She stands up from the bed, offering her hand to Kakashi and pulling him into a brief embrace. "Your chuunin will be here soon, he doesn't need to see me like this or I won't be able to scare him anymore. And I've decided I want to get screwed into the mattress by someone less fucked up than us," she says when they move away, leaving the room together.

Kakashi feels another person approaching from the other side of the corridor, and a quick glance tells him it's Iruka.

"I'll see you out," he tells Anko at her questioning glance when he doesn't stop to say anything to Iruka. He knows that for all her bravado she's still hurt, and he wants her out of Haven before she convinces herself she's whole enough to work the place. Iruka can wait for ten minutes.

He's feeling worn out and ready to just lay down with Iruka and not think about anything when he returns to their room. There are days he hates Haven, and today is one of them. It might be a good place most of the time, but for people like Anko and himself the burden attached to it is sometimes too heavy.

Kakashi can feel the tension and the suspicious way Iruka is looking at him the moment he enters the room, and he curses inwardly knowing he's going to have to explain what he was doing to the sometimes dense Iruka.

"I didn't know you were into that, Kakashi," Iruka's cold voice says as soon as he closes the door, and he freezes, his hand dropping back to his side without removing the mask.

_What?_ Kakashi can't believe what he's hearing, not the words nor the cold tone in Iruka's voice. It's so unfair, not only for himself but also for Anko. He's proven more than once that he doesn't give that kind of _service_ to anyone but Iruka, and he had believed Iruka knew the meaning of that.

It seems he was mistaken, Iruka doesn't know him at all.

"Into what, pray tell, Iruka-sensei," he hears himself saying, anger clouding his judgement. It's as if he's seeing Iruka for the first time, and he doesn't like what's in front of him.

They have never talked about feelings but Kakashi had always believed his were clear enough. He was wrong. No wonder Iruka never showed any interest in finding his identity or looking for him outside Haven.

Iruka opens his mouth, not answering Kakashi's question but shrugging, the words coming out of his mouth the last thing Kakashi expected. And the worst things he could ever ask about.

Something inside him snaps, the world rearranging itself around them. He's never allowed himself to reach it before, but everyone has a breaking point and this is Kakashi's. To have Iruka, the one person who truly matters, misunderstand him so hurts more than he is willing to admit.

He knows he's gone off the deep end when he feels Iruka's unresisting body under his, his mind filled with just white noise and the need to punish Iruka. It's wrong, and he shouldn't be doing it. But he can't seem to stop, can't seem to keep the hurtful words from slipping past his lips when he's finished.

The Iruka in front of him now might as well be a stranger, staring at him with betrayal and pain etched on his face. He rasps out a parting, Kakashi still too far gone for the words to register.

He doesn't move or try to stop him.

It's not until he hears the door closing that the haze of anger lifts and Kakashi realizes what he's done, and by then it's too late to undo the damage. He tears his mask down, the air in the room insufficient to fill his lungs, and screams.

He's still screaming when Anko bursts into the room, half naked and looking wild and ready to kill whoever is inside. She takes a look at him, dispatches the rest of people coming to investigate, and closes the door.

Kakashi has half a mind to scold her for coming back after all, but he's too tired for that. He doesn't even bother covering his face again, he just clings to her hard body and lets her meaningless words calm him down.

…

**7.**

The first time Kakashi fears going to Haven he's twenty-six, and he knows Iruka is inside.

For the first time since that awful night, Kakashi knows Iruka will be there when he arrives. Somehow this fact terrifies him.

He knows it was his fault, at least most of it. That night he lost it, years of restrain and keeping himself together by sheer willpower chucked out of the window by one careless mistake. The fact that it was Iruka who provoked him, and also who reaped the whirlwind, only makes that loss of control more painful.

But Kakashi needs to be there now. Needs to try and make amends, try to comfort Iruka if that is the only kind of intimacy he would allow him. He owes it to Iruka and he owes it to himself.

It's clear in Iruka's posture he's realized Kakashi's there. The way his shoulders tense and his hand tighten around his glass telling enough.

Kakashi swallows past a lump in his throat, steeling his resolve. Whatever else he does today, he needs to be forgiven.

"How are you feeling Iruka?" he says, sitting down next to Iruka and motioning for a drink.

"Like my best friend just stabbed me in the back," he replies sincerely.

Kakashi looks at him, _really_ looks at him for the first time since that terrible night and he feels his heart clench. Iruka looks awful, which is to be expected after his brush with death, but worse than that, he looks _isolated._ It's as if nothing can touch it, as if he's lost everything he cared for and the only thing remaining is the empty shell of what used to be Iruka.

The fact that it was Kakashi's himself who wounded him first only makes him feel worse.

He's not sure he's overstepping his bounds, but Iruka is there, and that might mean something. He looks at him questioningly while he signals for a key, and his heart fells when Iruka just finished his drinks and stands up, grabbing the key before Kakashi does and handing it back to the waiter.

"Not this one. Ours."

Kakashi follows him upstairs in silence, afraid to open his mouth in case everything spills from his lips before he can censor it. He has too much to tell Iruka but tonight is not for him. He doesn't want to add his burden to the one Iruka is already carrying.

They undress slowly and in silence, awkwardly looking at each other like strangers sharing their bodies for the first time. He takes his masks last of all, not sure if Iruka wants to see his face or if anyone would do for him tonight. But he's there, so he must have gone for Kakashi.

Kakashi takes care of him slowly, bestowing on his body all the gentleness and love he is unable to express with words. His touches are and apology, his kisses a promise. He takes his time, kissing his mouth until both of them are breathless and the only thing in Kakashi's mind is Iruka's taste and feel. He can tell Iruka's getting desperate but he's loath to rush it, afraid he might hurt him again.

He can still see Iruka's pained face as they parted the last time; it has had a starring role in his nightmares since that night.

When he finally enters Iruka they are both mindless with need, Kakashi knowing he's reached his limit. He whispers soothingly in Iruka's ear, trying to impress in him how very sorry he is for what he did the last time, how afraid he has been that he would never be allowed to hold Iruka like this. Iruka is clearly not listening to him, his eyes glazed and a crazed look in them. But still Kakashi talks, the words pouring out of him as if they had a life of their own.

He moves slowly, afraid to hurt Iruka again or to let things get out of hand. He wants this to last, anyway, so he controls his breathing and lets their passion build up like a tide, taking him almost unawares when his climax hits him, Iruka's voice repeating his name in a fevered whisper.

He clings to Iruka until their bodies stop shaking, looking intently at his face to ascertain there is no pain in his expression.

"Iruka," he says when he manages to get his breath back, determined to repeat all those apologies which were not heard before. He feels the weight of those past months crushing him, the need he had of Iruka and his guilt at his past actions, and he knows he's about to break.

Iruka opens his eyes and looks at him, and before Kakashi can say another word his face crumples and he break down, heaving huge wracking sobs while his grief and anger pour out of him.

With a supreme effort, Kakashi reins in his emotions and manages to keep himself together enough to hold Iruka, crushing his body against his and letting Iruka's grief run its course. This is the only other thing, apart from killing people, he's good at, and if it's the only thing he can offer Iruka now, that's what he will do.

His confession and his apology can wait for another time, now Iruka doesn't need to hear it.

…

**8.**

The last time Kakashi goes to Haven he's twenty-seven, and he's decided he has enough of games.

Either Iruka trusts him enough outside of that place to have a real relationship, or they're through once and for all.

It has nothing to do with the fight they had in the morning, and yet it has everything to do with it. He's not as stuck up as many people would believe, and someone challenging his authority is not an insult. The fact that it was Iruka isn't even the problem there.

It's that Iruka was very upset with it, and yet, he never even looked at Kakashi once they were out of the room.

He's gone to Haven, Kakashi is certain of it. As if he doesn't want to talk to Kakashi outside of it.

It's ridiculous, ten years of relationship and they have never talked to each other outside Haven.

"I knew I'd find you here," he says looking at Iruka once he enters the room.

"Yes."

Kakashi closes the door and stares at Iruka, not removing his mask. If he's going to do this he'd rather keep the only advantage he has. He leans against the door and crosses his arms, feeling terribly vulnerable and not at all ready to end whatever it is they have.

"You always come here when you're upset."

"I know." Iruka is still looking at him with that same cold and calculating expression and it's making him nervous.

"I'm not backing down, Iruka. They're ready."

Iruka nods. "I know. It's not that what I'm upset about. I lost control this morning, I should have trusted your judgement better; it's difficult to let go of them and trust someone else, but I shouldn't have challenged your authority like that before everyone in the village. That humiliation I brought upon myself. That's what upsets me, that loss of control."

Kakashi feels some tension leaving him at those words, only to return again twofold at Iruka's next words.

"But that's made me realize something, I can't do this anymore."

And hearing those words coming from Iruka's mouth have a strange effect in him. He was ready to end everything just a minute before but now, hearing Iruka try to do the same angers him in a way he wasn't expecting.

"What do you mean you can't do this anymore?" He demands, furious that even the tenuous relationship they have is about to be snatched from him. "What is _this_?"

Iruka glares at him and then looks around the room with narrowed eyes, disgust and hatred coming off him in waves. "This. I won't be coming to Haven again. I hate this place, I hate this room."

Those words spark a tiny hope in him. Maybe they are the same, maybe there is still some hope.

"You do?"

But he has to be sure.

"Yes. This is a place of desperation, a sad and sorrowful place for mourning. I don't need to come anymore. I haven't for a long time." It's those last words what make Kakashi realize finally, and for an instant he wonders at his own denseness.

He takes a step towards Iruka, looking at him intently. "But you're here."

"I am, and if you don't know the reason then this conversation has no point." There is a world of weariness in Iruka's words and it strikes a chord within him.

"I might be a genius, Iruka," he says needing to be completely certain. There won't be more misunderstandings between the two of them. "But I still can't read minds. Why do you come here if you hate it?"

The look Iruka gives him is nothing short of outraged. "Why? Are you being deliberately obtuse, Kakashi? How can I see you if not here?"

"We live in the same village, you can see me outside. You do see me outside."

"No I can't. Outside there is Sharingan Kakashi, the Copy-Nin. And yes, I can see him, if I ever wanted to. You know that's not what I mean," Iruka says with an annoyed gesture, glaring at Kakashi for all he's worth.

And there it is, out in the open. He looks back and realizes how everything might have looked from Iruka's side. Kakashi is a regular in Haven, determined not to let any of his comrades fall into despair. Iruka knows this, but he has not seen the meaning of Kakashi's actions, has never known him to be something different than what they are inside.

This time the dense one has been Kakashi.

"Explain it to me then," he requests, his tone gentling. This is it.

"We've been doing this for ten years, I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of playing this game where I break and you comfort me. I'm not that weak and you must know it by now."

Of course he's known it for a long time. If there is something Iruka is not, that's weak. And he should have seen it before: his coming back to Haven continuously, his only going upstairs with Kakashi, even though he offers advice and comfort to the people needing it. It was all so clear.

He finally relaxes, feeling all the tension leaving him.

"Iruka," he begins, only to be stopped with a glare and a shake of Iruka's head.

"No." That word reverberates between them and Kakashi wonders if he's come to his revelation too late for it to matter. "Take that bloody mask off."

He stares at Iruka, his brain frozen for an instant at the command. It's the first time Iruka has asked anything of him and the shock of it makes him slow.

He smiles, pulling his mask down, and suddenly the very room seems brighter and lighter.

"Iruka, I still don't read minds. You have to tell me," he remarks lightly, "What do you want?"

He can tell the exact moment Iruka realizes his feelings, the instant the full weight of their shared foolishness falls on him. It would be funny if it wasn't for the huge amount of time they have wasted dancing this stupid dance.

But they finally know, and they will have it from now on.

"Everything. I want everything."

He can't help himself, he closes the distance separating them and mashes their lips together, pouring every emotion he was unable to word for the past ten years in that one kiss. Iruka returns it with the same fervour, his mouth hot and demanding. They cling to each other until breath becomes a necessity and Kakashi parts almost unwillingly.

"Let's go return the key. We don't need it anymore. We'll continue this at home."

Iruka nods and follows him, darting a last look around the room on their way out.

The teleport to Kakashi's home from Haven's door, discarding their clothing on their way to the bedroom and kissing eagerly all the time. There are so many things Kakashi wants to tell Iruka now, things he has not been sure would be well received before but now are trying to escape his lips.

He keeps them inside, saving them for the morning when they will have time to talk and explain; now he devotes his time to touch and kiss and explore the body he knows like his own. Iruka is as eager as Kakashi feels, his hands hot and hard on his body, pushing him closer as if he were trying to merge them together.

The fall on the bed together, their coupling frantic and perfect, their bodies moving as if they were synchronized.

When it's over Kakashi closes his eyes, his head pillowed on Iruka's chest, and lets himself be lulled to sleep by his breathing and the reality of his presence there, outside that place.

He knows he won't be going back ever again.

He's found his own haven.

…

 


End file.
